When Words Fail - Caring for the Grieving
By Brian Jakowski
Grief is an inevitable phase of life that we will experience and can never escape. At times, you’ll grieve, and other times, you’ll be a caring companion guiding a loved one through their necessary grief passage.
Walking with someone through the travails of grief isn’t for the faint of spirit. The task is daunting, and it will bring many inconveniences and challenge you emotionally.
However, suppose you come alongside a grieving person as a companion, selfless, willing to be silent, patient, forgiving, empathetic, graceful, and above all, loving. In that case, it is doable and highly rewarding.
The traumatic loss of someone or something loved by a person triggers Grief, a normal human response to loss. The most profound grief stems from the death of someone or something held close to our hearts, with which a profoundly intimate bond existed.
No two persons grieve the same, so there are no silver bullets or magic ‘right words’ to fix every person or situation. However, there are stages of grief every person must pass through to emerge from grief healthy and whole.
The Stages of Grief
Psychologists identify five primary stages of the grieving process, but grief isn’t a merciful, linear journey moving your healing forward.
Grief is more like a relentless, spiraling free-fall. Its overlapping loops trip you up, knocking you back three steps after spending all your strength to move forward, one short step.
With that said, to help the grieving, it is best to know and recognize the stages of grief:
Denial
The shock of a loved one being ripped from any person's life isn’t readily accepted. Expecting them to walk through a door any minute or to be in the house the next time you return is not unusual.
Neither is not believing what you can see. My second son stood beside his brother’s casket, saying, “Wake up, bro, I know you’re just sleeping.”
Anger
It is common to assign blame or feel that someone must pay for your suffering. It can be anyone: friends, family, or God; in your stunned mind, someone has to pay for the pain you’re in.
If you or another around you is the root of a grieving person’s anger, be graceful, don’t engage in an argument, and know it’s grief talking, not their real feelings.
Bargaining
If God just gives them back, you’ll do? Now is not the time for major decisions.
Accept that they’re not coming back, but you will continue living. Whether you live and heal or linger in perpetual sorrow is a choice.
Depression:
Tiredness, crankiness, loss of appetite, and anxiety attacks are all signs of depression. A caretaker should monitor any depression to determine if intervention is needed.
There is no shame in needing medication or counseling to move through this stage.
Acceptance
The understanding that the absence of your loved one has forever changed your life is a pivotal point in healing and your new reality. Acceptance is the other side of grief, where grieving people begin rebuilding their lives.
These are the stages of grief. No, they don’t always occur in order. It’s not uncommon for a chance word, smell, or photo to trigger a memory, knocking a person back a stage or two.
That’s okay; one step forward and two steps backward are still progress. Keep looking forward.
Grief Affects the Body Physically
A caregiver or companion to the grieving person needs to be aware of the myriad physical effects grief can have on the body. Symptoms include,
A racing heart and or palpitations.
Dizziness
Nausea
Increased inflammation in the body
Weakened immune system
Physical complications of grief do occur and can pose a real threat if untreated. Caregivers need to keep in mind that the grieving aren’t crazy, broken, weak, or lazy; they’re grieving.
However painful it is to watch or pass through, if you don’t face grief head-on, healing may never come.
After the death of my son at seven years old, anxiety attacks were common, at times mimicking a heart attack or stroke.
Flashbacks to finding him dead in bed left me disoriented at times. Sleep became a memory, irritability with anger was a constant struggle, and the depression was dark.
Rosaria, my wife, was my rock and carried me through my grief, along with several other friends who sat with me when she was at work.
With Jesus’ help, the caring attention of my wife and friends, doctors, meds, and counseling, I survived. I’ll never forget the sacrifices they made, caring for me.
Being there is Enough
Regardless of how much it hurts to watch their suffering, you can’t fix the grieving, nor can you carry their grief for them. Each person must grieve in their way to move on and heal.
What you can do is empathize with and comfort them as you walk with them through their grief.
If, like my wife, you’re grieving the same loss, having your supporters ready to step in and meet your needs is critical.
As a caregiver or companion to the grieving, it’s easy to feel powerless and want to do something to make it all go away, but you can’t.
Just showing up is more than many others have done. Friends sat with me many nights in silence when my son died. We talked very little, but the comfort and security they brought can’t be measured. C.S. Lewis expressed this sentiment in A Grief Observed after his wife died,
At other times, it feels like being mildly drunk or concussed. There is a sort
of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in.
What anyone says. Or, hard to want to take it in. It is so
Uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments
when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to
me. (C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed)
The Bible book of Job underscores how being there is enough,
Three of Job’s friends heard of all the trouble that had fallen on him… and went together to Job to keep him company and comfort him. Then they sat with him on the ground. Seven days and nights they sat there without saying a word. They could see how rotten he felt, and how deeply he was suffering. Job 2:11–13
Silence is golden, but your presence is priceless!
Pretty Lies
Caring for a grieving person is beyond challenging. They don’t understand their own tangled web of emotions, how can you? This can leave you feeling uncomfortable and powerless to help.
As a result, you may want to tell pretty lies that let you feel you’ve helped. Remember, you’re Presence is enough.
Avoid common and cliche pretty lies that might seem comforting; they won’t always have the desired outcome. Some of the more common Pretty Lies follow,
You can say the right thing. — There are no right words. They don’t know how they feel. How can you? As a caregiver, don’t rack your brain looking for the right thing to say. Simply be available and listen. If you’re unsure if they want your input, ask.
You Have Other Children — True I still have three children that I love dearly. Does that mean I’ve stopped loving Elisha because he died? I also have two legs, but I’d rather not lose one.
Time Heals All Wounds — Anyone who believes this has never truly been broken. Amputees have ghost sensations of the severed limb even years later. In much the same way, I’ve learned to live, laugh, and even dream without Elisha, but the wound remains.
Angry with God
There’s an ugly lie the grieving may fall prey to, and that is that God is punishing them for some sin they have committed. Anger with God is often the outcome resulting in their running from God. At the time, they need Him more than ever.
I experienced this early in my grief passage, Even though I had been walking with Jesus for years. As I raged at God, I heard a gentle voice within whispering, “Child, run to me, not from me.” I listened to this voice often over the next two years, and it became my only light from the darkness.
Whoever you are, whatever you believe, without exception, Jesus is the answer to Grief or any other problem! Run to Him, not from Him.
The Other Side of Grief
Regardless of how bad it hurts, the grieving process isn’t an inconvenience you can skip. A person who doesn’t go through the complete grieving process denies themself the chance to heal and move past their paralyzing pain.
No two people grieve the same, and there is no set time frame for passing through the stages of grief. As their caretaker, you need to discern when to gently push them and be careful not to enable their avoiding facing their pain.
Be a patient, gentle, and caring companion. Don’t be afraid to seek professional help or advice to care for them. If you are grieving the same loss, be sure to have your support system in place.
Keep moving forward at your own pace. Know that happiness, hope, and joy are possible. However, these things may seem out of reach at times. Remember that occasionally, you must work through the rough days to see the better ones.